More than what meets the eye

S I X T R E M E

Marionne Banaga :: Daphnie Bernardino :: Kathryn Cartera

Camille Lacson :: Krystyn Lee :: Micah Robles :: Erix Tan

HUMAART A51

images to nakedness

What is an image? How do we know that what hits our eyes, the meaning conveyed, the image shown, is what it really is?

We don’t.

We can only hope that it is what we believe it to be.

What is beauty? Why are we attracted to it?

We’re not.

We’re attracted to the emotions that it conveys. We are attracted to the ideal.

What is the ideal? How can we be one?

We can’t.

There is no absolute ideal. Only visions of how we desire others to see us, how we want to see ourselves.

Who is that in the picture? Why do we identify with her?

We don’t.

We just don’t identify with ourselves. We look for something else.

 Hoping that along the way, we find out who we really are, and from the pretense of nudity, from watching others look at us, we finally begin to look at ourselves.

We are naked. We see that now.

“I would more than pale in comparison with those girls.” I often say this statement as though I believed it to be the absolute truth. I would often compare their porcelain skins, their soft, long hair that perfectly falls on their shoulders, their perfect smile and their perfect eyes which seem to be so piercing almost as if it were directly speaking to you and saying “Be just like me.” to my skin with noticeably rough edges, to my hair which never seems to go the right way, to my less than perfect teeth and to my eyes which doesn’t really say anything at all. I was in constant denial with myself of the fact that I seek validation from what other people say about my face and about me. I started to dread the day that I was born and I often find myself crying myself to sleep hoping and praying that I can accept myself for who I am.

            I was in my sophomore year in high school when I sincerely questioned my identity. It was because it was also the start of my obsession with TV. Before that year came, I was perfectly okay in my own little world of riding bicycles and trying to play volleyball with my neighbors not until I finally found myself transferring to another school and instead of making new friends, I confined myself in my room to watch the TV which completely altered my self-esteem. I’ve finally realized that I’ve reached a point in my life where I didn’t take it seriously as much as I needed to now. I was always negligent, always thinking, “Well, everybody goes through this.” and later on did I noticed that I had a problem answering the question “who am I?”

            I find this picture very reminiscent of the kind of beauty that I will never become. Lindsey Shaw is an actress whom I first saw on a TV show very recently and I was completely in awe with her character role. I find her very attractive not only because she is physically beautiful but because I kind of see myself in her. I was obsessed with the idea of her character, of her life, of the values she tries to convey and I voluntarily tried to follow her path, constantly saying in the back of my mind, “That should be me! That should be my life.”

            It’s hard for me to explain how I go about being a fan of actors just like her but one thing I do is I try as hard as I can to emulate them. I would go as far as watching every interview they have and try to get some of what they say and try to put it in my everyday conversations just because I think that what they’re saying says a lot about them and for me what they say is what I believe I should be saying too. It’s kind of hard for me to express myself and that’s why I find that trying to be like actors is a helpful way to express myself to others by literally imitating them.

            In the process, I kind of lost myself, ambivalent feelings came rushing through my self-esteem. For a while, I thought it was helping me build my identity but to my dismay, I just got more confused. I depicted myself in the picture this way because I saw myself mimicking what I thought to be should be my “ideal” self. I took a wrong turn though because I didn’t really feel like genuine enough to be Marionne. Instead, I was only acting the ideal Marionne.

            I try to incorporate a character with my quest to build an identity and just like all the actors, I was just acting. While the picture tries to put the best foot forward in making herself known through her perfectly-taken picture, I’m on the other side trying to be just like her just because I thought she was me and I was her.

            I definitely think that I was trying to be naked in this picture. In a sense that I wanted to show the world who I am inside but instead I became nude in the process. I became an object and I made myself an object because I tried to be a carbon copy, a cheap version of what already exists.

            Truth be told that until now, I still question my identity and I’m still on a struggle between knowing exactly who I want to be and not knowing who exactly am I.

            Maybe I’m not alone in this. I believe that many people out there are feeling the exact same thing as I do but despite all the confusion, I shall not give up. After all, I owe myself a little faith for recognizing that I do have a problem in the first place.

-M a r i o n n e  B a n a g a

Being raised with parents that are future-minded, I have been early aware of the possibilities that I can be when I grow up,. With this, I have been very fickle in terms of my ambitions; from being a teacher to a doctor , you name it, I have thought of it.  

I continued thinking of this way, until my interests and the things I was good at prevailed. I realized that I was inclined to interacting with people. I was connected with communication, and therefore took the course in college.

This relates to a person that might not ring a bell to many, but is definitely recalled by some: Anna Theresa Licaros is the name.

Her existence can be encapsulated as perfect. She graduated high school valedictorian in Assumption Antipolo, attained her bachelor’s degree in University of the Philippines-Diliman and majored in Broadcast Communication. She was the first to attain Summa Cum Laude in the said degree, and was the person who delivered the valedictory speech in year 2005. Two years after, she joined Binibining Pilipinas by the year 2007, and was crowned sa Binibining Pilipinas-Universe and represented the country for the said title. She was not able to get in even on the Top 15, but she won Miss Photogenic.

Having said these, Anna Theresa Licaros can be, if not really, beauty and brains personified. Licaros has been one of the few persons I look up to. Her string of achievements are such major ones, that one would think a person would not be able to attain. From then on, I have convinced myself that she is a person I want myself to be.

Being a fan, it is inevitable to stalk someone you idolize, and I found this photo of hers in her Facebook three months ago. It came from her only public photo album. The photo is just so her – and it says a lot about how really a Filipina should be. She just exudes class, confidence, and elegance. It sums up all the qualities that a woman should have.

This image particularly haunted me during times that I was struggling with my activities for this term, specifically in frustration of juggling priorities and life and/or time management. Recalling the photo itself makes my inner voice speak and tell myself that I would be able to get through with all the ordeals that I have been experiencing.

I came up wearing a sash I had gotten from a pageant-inclined competition I had in high school. This would exhibit how I strive to emulate the said idol. As of now, I have been trying to balance my academics and extra curricular academics, which I have been very lucky to study in  La Salle caters a lot of opportunities for the students, with the diversity of organizations. In my second year here, I have been involved in four.  I have been trying new things as well. I believe that I am very much inclined to performing, and thus exploring different fields, like dancing and acting, aside from singing with I believe I am good at. On the other hand, although, I am still working on the part in terms of academics. I believe that I am someone who is fully motivated, but always struggles in terms of taking action. I suppose that as of now, I am still on the process of making myself better.

A woman is proud of what she has. She strives for excellence and achievements. The sash is a bonus: a proof of the hard work and of the countless efforts. A woman is a masterpiece itself. A woman is like a painting, deserves to be exhibited to be appreciated. A woman is naked– in this case, we are naked. We are not considered objects – we are something worthy.  In my own way, I am naked. In my own way, I am my own Anna Theresa Licaros. Or most certainly, I am myself – I am my own naked self.

-D a p h   B e r n a r d i n o

It was sometime, between two to five years ago. I was aimlessly browsing through the infinite images of the world that I knew, the world of dance, when I came across a photograph like I never had before. Beyond the beauty and the strength, to the dancers of my league, only we knew what was so special with the picture.

She was breaking all the rules.

The image that the woman portrayed went against the natural teachings of the dance that made her who she was in the picture. Yet, here was Allesandra Ferri, her every fiber stretched to its limit, holding her pose like no one else can, her arched feet balancing the weight of her back-bend. Yet, it came out as naturally as if she were drinking coffee, the little expression that could be seen on her face showing her ease, her freedom. It is the epitome of strength and grace, the two elements that make ballet the dance that it is.

I saw her, and I looked at myself. We did not project the same image. Being still an amateur dancer at the age of 15, I knew that my time is past, and I could never become the image that the picture represented, even if I gave my heart, soul, and more, which I did. The long and short of it is, I worked my butt off during those years.

Even if I longed for the day that I would be allowed to deviate from the rules, it was not because I wanted to be her. I wanted to be able to dance like Ferri, to be thin, to be able to stand over my toes, and not care about the proper way to do it. But I did not want to be her. I simply wanted to know in my heart that, just like her, I was working very hard for what I wanted.

But eventually, I stopped dancing to make way for other things, such as college.

I was never able to do what she does in the picture. And most people would think I was never in her capacity, could never have done what she did, and was never her level. I never reached her. I, on the other hand, know that they’re wrong.

The picture did not tell me to be like it. Rather, it told me to become whoever I wanted to become, because if Alessandra Ferri could strive and succeed in being who she was, there was no reason that I could not achieve the same. I don’t dance anymore, and will never become as good as I was, but I reached heights during my dancing that no one else in my lack of experience was able to accomplish. I stretched myself beyond the limits, and I am proud that, just like Ferri, I know that I have worked long and hard, even to become who I am now.

We both disciplined ourselves in the pursuit of true freedom.
 
And so, I dare say that I have “achieved” the image that Ferri was trying to convey, except that others did not see it the way I did. They saw Ferri, in her hauntingly beautiful pose, as someone to emulate in that moment. Many women do this. They see a moment, and they automatically want to be in it, to be it. That is the power of the image nowadays.

What I love about this picture of Ferri is that it shows a moment that takes years to achieve, a beauty that comes from hard, persistent work, and a freedom that only comes from restraint. Many images are made of numerous plastic surgeries, fantastic make-up, and a whole lot of editing. A lot of shortcuts involved in producing a commercialized “pretty” as dictated by the rules of society. The images are all nude.

And here is Ferri, having the freedom to explore this pose because she can; she has worked hard and it paid off. She is experiencing the freedom that her discipline has afforded her. And here I am, knowing that true freedom comes from knowing the black from the white, not by doing what everyone else does. The exception to society’ rule of nudity. I have come thus far, without having to try to become anything else but the best of myself. We are naked, and we are content.

-K a t   C a r t e r a

Envy is a ferocious word. It often connotes discontent, desire and longing. Many preach that one must not be envious of another because for a fact, it is a mortal sin. They further said that there is no reason to exemplify such because God created us equally. It is hard to compress the feeling, though. In a world where someone like Angelina Jolie, Mischa Barton, and Anne Hathaway exists, who would not be lured by their majestic beauty and astounding smile?
I am no exception.

When I was a child, I often cried about the fact that my brother has a new toy and I have none. I also whimpered when he had more food compared to mine. Through the years, I was not mindful that these simple complaints transformed into something more. I started to wonder why others started to admire my classmates but not me.  Is it my nose? Is it my hair? I was clueless. But then, I thought maybe I am not just beautiful enough. Maybe that girl from billboards and magazines is their epitome of beauty. Maybe if I was the twin of Georgina Wilson, they will admire me, too.

I came to know Georgina Wilson a few years ago through a magazine. There was no denying that her beauty blinded me. No wonder, she was alleged to be the love of the actor Richard Gutierrez at that time. I think most of the guys will fall / have fallen for her, too. She was in demand in both print and television. Her face crossed my mind from time to time. My wish of resembling her came more often, though. However, this wish was just stuck in my mind but never put into reality. I never had the will to exercise and diet to achieve her to-die-for body. I never established the drive to improve and enhance my features. All I did was experiment and dream some more. I never got tired of browsing her pictures on the Internet until I stumbled upon a picture of her on the cover of the High Profile magazine, which simply left me in awe. She was nothing but fierce and elegant. Her eyes were sparkling; her lips were glittering. She was even clad with an enormous ring that added more drama to the picture. But I realized that even if I had the same ring on every finger, I would still not be her. I am just a simple girl who can give back nothing but a smile. I know that I cannot eventually copy her but at least in my self-portrait, I beamed a smile that might conquer the unnatural donned on her. I did not want to be trying hard but hopefully, my picture screamed, “Hey, Georgina! Here I am, striking a smile, bridging my confidence!”  I realized that even though I am not of a good model or so, I can be on my own naked self, admiring someone, but not totally forgetting the beauty I have within. Others can wear the skimpiest clothes and be nude, but objects are not important, even envy! Might as well forget being envious and conclude, in a world where someone like Angelina Jolie, Mischa Barton, and Anne Hathaway exists, here I am, Camille Lacson, ready to envy no one but myself.

-C a m i l l e  L a c s o n

Morticia Addams, from The Addams Family. She has already established this certain
impression on us as some creepy mom who rarely smiles (and if ever she does, it would look pretty scary).

As a child, I’ve seen the different actresses who played Morticia and the artists who drew her. For some reason, this particular picture struck me the most, because if I looked past that creepy aura she was trying to generate, there was this beautiful woman who was able to make herself look very elegant. That long hair, that slender body and that beautiful black gown… why do people see that as creepy? Don’t get me wrong, however. I do not want to look exactly like her, but I wanted to produce a similar aura that she was giving off.

Morticia is just like a nude person in terms of her simply being an object. People unfamiliar with The Addams Family will simply see her as a gothic woman, probably off to do some gothic stuff, like, I don’t know, eat children’s hearts? But her nakedness is her individuality according to John Berger, hence, seeing the kind of person that Morticia really was is probably the initial reason why I have this strange fascination with her. In the show, she actually makes a pretty good mom. Although her ways are very, in lack of a better term, unconventional, she still shares an interesting (but faithful!) relationship to her husband and kids. Charles Addams (1912-1988), the cartoonist who made Morticia describes her as the real head of the family; “contemptuous and original and with fierce family loyalty”. As a woman, I look up to her. In response to her, I took this picture of myself in a black dress simply because I was inspired by how she was able to carry herself in one. The background is in my living room, to show that I, too, am rooted by familial values. And I smiled in the picture. Charles Addams says that Morticia rarely smiles, and I want to be the opposite of that. So I smiled.

The eyes are the windows of the soul. I decided to crop off the upper part of my face to still have a bit of mystery there. When you can’t see my eyes, then there’s still something about me that you just don’t know. Doesn’t it seem more mysterious that way?

I don’t know how Morticia does it, but she’s definitely the epitome of mysteriousness, and I want that.

-K r y s t y n   L e e

She’s pretty, I think.

I stare and I keep staring. I notice her tanned skin and that clear complexion. I notice the curly locks and those perfect white teeth. But what really gets to me is the central area of the photograph—the abdominals. She is a non-conformist—a woman who is both genders; strong like a man, and beautiful as a woman “ought to be”.

But she is not ordinary.

I first saw this image back in high school. Back when I weighed more than I do now. Back at the height of my puberty and hormonal changes that brought about an eruption of  acne. Back in the crisis stage of “who the hell am I?”.

I saw her, and I wanted to be her.

I started eating less, and began working out. I played badminton, did a few laps in the pool, and cut down on my rice intake.

It just wasn’t happening.
My white skin would stay white. My weird hair would stay weird. And my semi-crooked teeth would cost us expensive and unnecessary dental procedures. Getting those abs was the only thing I could strive and work for.
But it just wasn’t happening.

Around me, my friends were thinning down too. It seemed they were doing better than me, and I envied them.

At times, I’d cry and allow my raging, pubescent, emotional instability get the better of me. But later on, I’d discover the secret to their weight loss, and I would no longer wish I were them.

I wanted to do this the “right way”.
I wanted to earn it.

I knew this actress was a tough girl. And so, I wanted to tough things out as well.

By liking her, I tricked myself into believing that I was a non-conformist too. I wasn’t like my peers, I thought, who adored the women of The OC, One Tree Hill, and Gossip Girl. No. I was different. I liked Michelle—the Resident Evil girl, The Fast and the Furious chick.
Yeah, I liked her.

I didn’t realize that I was only as nude as everyone else.

In a television program hosted by John Berger, he describes the difference between nakedness and nudity. While nakedness is simply being oneself, nudity is to become an object (Berger, J, 1972).
And I was nude.


I was conforming. I was, like the people around me, incapable of simply being me—of simply being naked. Instead, I calculated all my moves, and I made sure they were at par with my image of idolatry. I thought I wasn’t hiding anything. I believed I had found an identity that veered away from the stereotypes of my age group. But, in truth, I was still creating a second skin for myself—invisible clothing; as nude and as fake as everyone else. 

And now, in my own portrait, I see the constant struggle of discontent. In moments when I’m left to my thoughts, I find myself on the scale that urges me to “lose some more”. I do my best, though at times unconsciously, to cover my stomach. I suck it in, or place an arm over it. I diet then I quit. I am satisfied, then I’m vexed.

At times, I wonder if any normal woman has developed an immunity to this disease—this excessive vanity. I wonder if any woman can say “I’m beautiful” without any inflection of doubt or arrogance.




I pause after scribbling “DIET PLAN” onto my sheet of paper.
I pause because I wonder:

“When…
..and how..
do I find myself in a picture of a woman that I shall never become?”





And then, it all seems pointless.

-M i c a h   R o b l e s

I am strongly drawn to the image of a woman with a well-toned body (abdomen, to be more specific). I personally think that having a well-toned body symbolizes health and strength, especially to a woman, which is also why I consider it to be my physical ideal.

I first became aware of such an image about two years ago, when I was about sixteen. I’ve been a dancer almost all my life (since I was four), but I was never really aware of my own image until I was sixteen. I used to take up ballet but I was never the stereotypical skinny one. I actually started becoming aware of my body when I quit ballet (due to an unfortunate circumstance). But I still continued dancing, so that’s how I planned to attain a well-toned body.

I started to strongly identify with the image in the summer of 2009, when I first trained with the DLSU Animo Squad. Even if I have already been part of the La Salle Dance Company – Contemporary for a year then, it was only in the DLSU Animo Squad that I was able to work out more due to a more intense training routine. Although I wasn’t able to maintain such an image for about a year, I was able to attain it again in the summer of 2010, during the 2k10 LPEP season. Performing every day for 10 straight days was probably a huge contribution to the body I was trying to achieve. Also, I took Dancehall (an African kind of dance that requires you to use your lower abdomen and hips the most) classes over the summer. By the end of May 2010, I was able to achieve the look I was going for (see my self-portrait) and fortunately, I am still able to retain it until now.

It’s very difficult to retain a toned abdomen, but all it takes is discipline. Because of my desire to maintain a well-toned body or to even tone it more, I’ve been stricter with my exercise and eating habits. I don’t eat as much as I used to anymore, I eat on time and I try to avoid junk food and softdrinks as much as possible.

Every time I see a photo of a woman with a well-toned body, I get inspired to make myself look the same or even better. It makes me want to take my dancing more seriously (as if I already don’t). Because of that, I see myself as a stronger and better dancer and person. Since I’ve been dancing basically my whole life, I believe that my dancing strongly defines who I am. What I do best best defines who I am. Almost everyone I know knows me as the dancer, or the ballerina. It’s as if it’s already become a suffix to my name.

I decided to depict myself this way in my self-portrait because it shows something I’m proud of, something I can call an achievement. Knowing that I have attained one of my desires makes me feel so much better about myself.  It lifts my spirit. Although I may not look as toned as Sharni Vinson (the girl on the first photo) of Step Up 3, I’m positive that I’m getting there. Perhaps the relationship between the two photos is that the second photo, the photo of myself, is a “work-in-progress” image and the first one is the finished product.

- E r i x   T a n